Heart's Desire Page 19

  Jessie was in her element.

  He’d seen her working with the horses and thought it was where she belonged, but seeing her with these kids, the way they lit up under her attention, was incredible. If only he could help her see how special she was, to see herself the way others did.

  He spun on his heel and made his way to the patio where the other adults sat, absently chatting.

  “She’s so good with them,” one woman commented.

  “They love her,” said another

  “We need to plan an entire week here next time.”

  The murmurs stopped as he sat down in one of the chaise lounge chairs. “Don’t mind me,” he said. “Just had to see what all the commotion was about.”

  “Sorry,” the man apologized. Nathan guessed he was the youth pastor by the way three others look to him for direction. “Are you a guest?”

  “Yes, but I’m also a friend of the family. I’m staying in the first cabin.”

  “Then you’re right beside us. I’d like to promise you a quiet night, but with this crew”—he waved a hand at the four boys now having cannonball contests—“I think they’d make me out to be a liar. I’m Steve.” He held out a hand and smiled.

  Nathan returned the gesture. “What does Jess have planned for you guys?”

  “She showed the kids some horse basics today and taught us a little about roping, not that I was any good at either.” He chuckled. “We’re having a barbecue and campfire tonight by the lodge, then in the morning, we’re supposed to go riding and having a picnic lunch on some ridge. She said something about doing some fishing at the river, if anyone wants to.” He looked around. “This place is like an oasis, isn’t it?”

  Nathan’s gaze remained locked on Jess, taking in every relaxed smile as she joked with two of the girls. Maybe he could cancel his meetings in New York altogether. “I’ve been around the world, and I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

  The woman on the other side of Steve laughed and Nathan tore his gaze from the vision across the pool. “Something tells me it’s not the landscape you’re talking about.”

  Nathan couldn’t remember the last time he’d blushed, but that didn’t stop the slow burn from creeping up his neck at being caught staring at Jess. Her eyes slid over the adults and stopped when she saw him, a frown creasing her brow, and he cursed himself for being the cause.

  “She’s great with the kids,” the woman said quickly.

  “I should get inside and help get ready for the barbecue.”

  “Uh, okay.” Steve seemed surprised by his sudden departure. As Nathan started to leave, he saw Steve lean over to one of the woman and heard, “You made him uncomfortable and chased him off.”

  “I didn’t,” she argued just before he closed the kitchen door on the rest of their conversation.

  Nathan went to the cupboard and grabbed a glass, pouring himself water and chugging it quickly. He slid the glass onto the counter and braced his hands on either side of the sink, his head hanging low. Every part of his body hummed with desire for Jessie, but it couldn’t even compare to the ache in his chest at the thought of leaving in two days. Jessie had him so tied up in knots, he wasn’t sure which way was up any more. He doubted she did either. But he couldn’t deny it. He simply didn’t want to go. Every time he thought about it, it felt wrong.

  “What the hell are you doing?” He muttered, rubbing a hand over the tense muscles at the back of his neck.

  “That’s exactly what I was wondering.” Nathan spun to find Jess standing in the doorway, hip cocked to the side and her hands at her waist. She looked sexy as hell, and his body hummed to life. “I told you, I don’t need your help.”

  “I heard you.”

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  “I just thought I’d come see how things were going.”

  He was lying, but she didn’t need to know that it was killing him to stay in the cabin, giving her the space she asked for, and not be near her. She didn’t need to know he’d been standing at the window watching her, feeling like a stalker. But he was compelled by her, like a child near a fire. He instinctively knew it would hurt to touch, but he was powerless to stop himself.

  She seemed to accept his excuse. At least, she let him believe she did.

  Jess walked to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water, twisting off the cap and taking a long swallow before smiling, looking back at the door. “I’ve forgotten how much fun it can be.”

  The smile on her face made his pulse speed up. “What’s that?”

  “Kids.” She jerked her thumb toward the pool, where he could still hear splashing and laughter. “They’re kind of like horses, slightly wild, but tamed with a little direction and the right coaxing.”

  She finished her bottle of water, and he couldn’t stop staring at the elegant way her neck arched. She brushed past him to throw the plastic bottle into the recycling bin, and he moved behind her, slipping his hands to her waist. She stilled instantly, as if afraid to move.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, her voice quiet yet demanding an answer.

  “Nothing.” He brushed her thick braid from her shoulder, letting it dangle down her back, while his lips moved to the edge of her ear, his breath brushing over her cheek. “Why?”

  Her jaw clenched and her hands gripped the edge of the kitchen counter. “Nathan, we had an agreement. Just friends.”

  “Um-hmm.” His hands circled her waist and drew her back against him. “Friends hug, don’t they?”

  Technically, that’s all he was doing, but his body responded like it was far more. She was hot against the front of him. He fought the urge to kiss her neck, to taste her again, to force her reaction to him, choosing instead to remain as still as his throbbing body would allow. He felt himself harden when she sighed and leaned back into him, her body softening into his embrace. But she hung her head forward in defeat.

  “Nathan, please.”

  “Please what?” He pulled her closer and felt the goosebumps break out on her arms. He rested his chin on her shoulder where he could smell the sweet vanilla of her body wash. Just the scent was enough to conjure the image of her wet and soapy in the shower. He fought the groan of yearning that rolled through him like a thunderstorm.

  She turned in his arms and put her hands against his chest, but her eyes focused on her hands instead of his face. “Please, don’t.”

  His hands held her waist, refusing to let her go. “Would it make a difference if I wasn’t leaving?”

  Jessie’s lashes fluttered as she looked up at him, as if trying to determine his sincerity. “But you will. If not this week, later.” She ducked under his arm and scooted away from him. He saw the resignation in her eyes. “I can’t do this again, Nathan. When you left last time, you took a part of me with you. A piece I’ve never retrieved.”

  Her admission surprised him. He leaned a hip against the counter and crossed his arms, waiting for her to say more. When she didn’t, he shook his head. “I know why I didn’t call, Jess. But why didn’t you?”

  “Me?” She backed away. “If you want a girl who’ll beg you to stay, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I wasn’t going to be the summer fling that chased you when you wanted to disappear.” She shook her head. “When you didn’t call, I knew exactly what I’d meant to you.”

  “I could say that same thing.”

  Anger flared in her eyes and she clenched her jaw, pointing a finger at him. “Don’t you dare. You were—”

  “What, Jess?” Nathan held her wrist and pulled her back into his arms. “I was what?”

  She looked away, refusing to meet his gaze. “Nothing.”

  Nathan held her chin between his thumb and finger. “Well, let me break down the situation then, since you won’t. I was your first.” Her eyes widened and she licked her lips, pressing them together. “Did you think I didn’t know? I know you, Jess. I know what kind of woman you were and the kind of woman you still are.”

  �
��Nathan, stop.”

  “You were—are—different than any woman I’ve ever known. You aggravate me and confuse me, but you also excite me and make me feel things like no one else. There’s something between us, there always has been.”

  “Whatever this attraction between us is, it’s going nowhere. We’re too different, worlds apart. You’re smart and kind and attractive, but I know you, Nathan. You will wither out here. Don’t you remember how antsy you were to leave?” She moved away from him, starting toward the door.

  She had no idea his desire to leave had been due to his father’s demanding phone calls and the increasing threats. He wasn’t going to let anything, or anyone, come between them this time.

  She sighed. “It’s just part of who you are.”

  “Then I guess that leaves me with two options.”

  She spun back toward him, her braid whipping around. “No, that leaves no options.” She raised a hand as if she was trying to ward off any argument.

  He reached for her hand and pulled her to him again, continuing as if he hadn’t heard her protests. “One, I can prove to you that we have several things in common. Like that you are also intelligent, and kind. Not to mention that I find you incredibly attractive.”

  Nathan could read the desire in her eyes and wound his arm around her waist, wanting her to feel his body respond to her nearness. “For the record, I didn’t get antsy to leave. I was catching hell from someone who shouldn’t have mattered.” He tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. He could see the fear there.

  Her blue eyes clouded. “What’s option two?” she whispered.

  Nathan laughed. “Are you sure you want to know? Because it involves me carrying you back up to your room and proving to you that our differences don’t matter. Why do you keep fighting, Jess? Why can’t you just accept that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t something that I’m just going to turn my back on a second time? I made that mistake once; I won’t do it again.”

  She slipped out of his arms again. This time her eyes were somber and wistful. “Because right now, this is a novelty, Nathan. I’ve seen enough people come here for a taste of being a cowboy and it always fades. What happens when you decide staying was a mistake? That you miss your old life? Where will that leave me? Brokenhearted and alone. I won’t be anyone’s booty call.” She walked out the back door, leaving him staring after her yet again.

  Chapter Nineteen

  JESSIE WAS GRATEFUL for the teens’ presence and the turmoil they brought. Planning activities for them didn’t afford her the luxury of breaking down the way she wanted to. She took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, and hurried back to the pool where they waited for her next instructions. She was supposed to send them on a scavenger hunt with Mitch and Clint, but if they left, she’d be alone with her thoughts and the realization that she’d just confessed to Nathan how she felt about him, how she’d always felt about him.

  She hadn’t meant for the words to slip from her tongue. Once again, her mouth had overrun her good sense and gotten her into trouble.

  “Jessie, we’re ready.” Susanne, Pastor Steve’s wife, approached. “Did you find what you were looking for?” Jessie had forgotten she’d told the woman she was going in search of pens and paper. “Are you okay? You look a bit . . . unsettled,” she finished, searching for the word.

  Jessie looked back toward the house, knowing there was no way she was going to go back inside for paper or pens and risk running into Nathan again. Her heart couldn’t take that now. “I’m fine, but I couldn’t find enough of them,” she said, feeling guilty for lying.

  “That’s okay, we’ll manage with two teams. I can take the girls and Steve can take the boys.” She hurried to her purse, bringing back a small pad of paper and two pens. “Here.” She pressed the items into Jessie’s hands. “You write down what they should find and I’ll distract them a bit longer with a group discussion. But don’t take too long, their attention span is about the same as a goldfish’s,” she teased.

  Jessie took the paper and sat at the bar, trying to list several items that the kids would have to work to find throughout the ranch, testing them on what she’d taught them so far. She’d barely listed ten when she looked up and saw Nathan standing on the back porch watching her. Her stomach did a quick flip. Maybe her confession would be just the thing to scare him away. It sure as hell scared her. She should have never agreed to let him come back.

  At least Heart Fire would stay afloat. Nathan had figured out her financial troubles, at least temporarily, and convinced her to start taking in guests again, so the ranch should be able to get back to normal operations. If she could afford to hire at least a couple of people full-time again during the busy season, and if she continued to take in guests, the ranch should do okay, even though it wasn’t what she wanted to do. It was enough to get Heart Fire back in the black and get her brother to back off. She wouldn’t be able to work with the horses as often, and the chance to start a rescue would have to wait until . . . well, who really knew if she would ever be able to do it. She was only one person.

  Instead of making her feel like she was making the mature decision, the thought left her cold. This melancholy turn of her thoughts was the last direction she wanted them to take and sitting here was giving her too much time to ponder her various mistakes. She threw the pen onto the counter. Twelve things would just have to be enough for the scavenger hunt. She pasted a smile on her lips and took the paper to Susanne while sending a quick text message to Mitch to bring Clint.

  If she were smarter, she’d have asked Nathan to help organize this. This was something he’d have managed well and it would’ve gotten him far from her for a few hours at least. But she didn’t want to ask him for anything, especially now. She glanced back at the door, ignoring the disappointment she felt when she saw he was gone.

  It was better this way. This was the way it had to be. Then, cowgirl up, and quit being a baby.

  Jessie went back into the house and took the meat thawing in the refrigerator out, placing it into a giant mixing bowl. She washed her hands and walked into the pantry. This was what she did best, kept things running, kept the wheels turning, even at the expense of her own heart. She put the barbecue sauce container on the counter and went back to the refrigerator for the eggs and cheese. Justin should be here any minute to take the patties to the grill, and she wasn’t even close to being ready.

  Mixing the various ingredients in the bowl, she set the formed patties on an aluminum pan lined with wax paper. She tore another piece of wax paper from the roll and covered the patties, carrying them back to the refrigerator to wait for Justin. She washed her hands a second time and cleaned up her mess, wishing it was as easy to clean up the other messes she’d made in her life.

  Tears stung her eyes. She was tired of doing this alone, of forgoing her wants and desires in order to please everyone else. This wasn’t the plan she’d had for her life. Six months ago, she’d been preparing to finally start a rescue. She had had the full support of her father. Now, instead, she was running a dude ranch, alone, and destroying the legacy her parents had left behind. She felt her heart clench.

  God, how she missed them. Even with the expectation and pressure she felt working with both of her parents, she knew her parents loved her. Trying to run the ranch without them felt like torture. It was just too much for her to bear.

  Tears blurred her vision as she turned to put the eggs away, and she ran into a solid wall of muscle. She dropped the entire carton of eggs and cursed, squatting to reach for the broken pieces when Nathan held her shoulders, lifting her back to standing before burying his hands into her hair.

  “Jess?” He tipped her face toward his, his lips a mere breath away.

  “Please, don’t. Not now.” She couldn’t deal with the emotional turmoil raging within her and fight her desire for him as well.

  Nathan stared at her for a moment before walking to the sink and grabbing the roll of paper towels. He squatted o
n the floor next to her and wiped up the mess. “Okay, I won’t.”

  He leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before standing to throw the wad of towels into the trash.

  Her mouth dropped just as her phone rang, not giving her an opportunity to protest the kiss. “Hello?”

  “Jess, I have an emergency at the clinic, so Bailey and I won’t be there in time to do the barbecue. I’m really sorry,” Justin apologized.

  She sighed into the phone. “Okay, I understand.”

  And she did. The ranch wasn’t Justin’s responsibility, it was hers. She hung up the phone, tucking it back into her pocket.

  Now what?

  How was she supposed to cook dinner and entertain guests? There was just no way she could do this all by herself. This was just one more indication of what a failure she was at managing the ranch. Either of her parents would have had a backup plan. With both Clint and Mitch preparing for the ride to The Ridge the next day, she couldn’t ask them to work late into the night because of her lack of planning. She glanced at Nathan.

  She didn’t want to ask him for help. Not only would it be admitting her failure in her business, but she’d already told him several times that she didn’t need him and he should leave. How could she ask him to help her now?

  “Trouble?” A frown furrowed his brow and he took a step toward her.

  “Justin is hung up at the clinic.” She tried to hide her frustration. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just have to rethink how to set up the campfire tonight since Bailey and Julia are both gone.”

  “Why?” He moved to the refrigerator. “I can’t teach guests how to ride or rope but I’m pretty sure I can manage to barbecue hamburgers.”

  “But—”

  “But nothing.” He took a step closer to her and kissed the tip of her nose. “I told you, I’m here to help.”

  JESSIE LEANED AGAINST the doorframe in the kitchen and watched as Nathan finished loading the last of the dishes into the dishwasher. He wiped his hands on the towel from the counter and turned, spotting her watching him.